library_books Bookstacks

Volume II, Part Three, Chapter VIII

He continued his diary, and this is what he wrote in it during this time: "November 24.

"Rose at eight o'clock, read the Holy Scriptures, then went to my duties (Pierre, on his benefactor's advice, had entered the service in one of the committees), returned for dinner, dined alone (the countess has many guests, disagreeable to me), ate and drank moderately, and after dinner copied out pieces for the brothers. In the evening I went down to the countess and told a funny story about B., and only remembered that I ought not to have done so when everyone was already laughing aloud.

"I lie down to sleep with a happy and tranquil spirit. Great Lord, help me to walk in Thy paths: 1) to conquer the part of anger by quietness and deliberation; 2) lust by abstinence and aversion; 3) to withdraw from worldly bustle, but without cutting myself off from a) the state duties of the service, b) family cares, c) friendly relations, and d) economic occupations."

"November 27.

"Rose late and, on waking, lay long in bed, giving way to sloth. My God, help me and strengthen me, that I may walk in Thy ways. Read the Holy Scriptures, but without proper feeling. Brother Urusov came; we talked of the vanities of the world. He told me of the sovereign's new designs. I began to condemn them, but remembered my rules and the words of our benefactor, that a true Mason must be a zealous worker in the state when his participation is required, and a calm contemplator of that to which he is not called. My tongue is my enemy. Brothers G., V., and O. visited me; there was a preparatory talk for the reception of a new brother. They lay upon me the duty of rhetor. I feel myself weak and unworthy. Then the talk turned to the explanation of the seven pillars and steps of the temple — the seven sciences, the seven virtues, the seven vices, the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit. Brother O. was very eloquent. In the evening the initiation took place. The new arrangement of the premises contributed much to the magnificence of the spectacle. Boris Drubetskoy was received. I proposed him, and I was also the rhetor. A strange feeling agitated me the whole time I was with him in the dark chamber. I found in myself a feeling of hatred toward him which I vainly strive to overcome. And for that very reason I should truly wish to save him from evil and lead him onto the path of truth, but evil thoughts of him did not leave me. It seemed to me that his aim in entering the brotherhood consisted only in a wish to get close to people, to be in favor with those in our lodge. Apart from the grounds that he several times asked whether N. and S. were in our lodge (to which I could not answer him), apart from the fact that, by my observations, he is incapable of feeling respect for our holy Order and is too occupied with and satisfied by the outer man to desire spiritual improvement, I had no grounds to doubt him; but he seemed to me insincere, and the whole time I stood face to face with him in the dark chamber it seemed to me that he was smiling contemptuously at my words, and I really wanted to prick his bared breast with the sword I held pointed at it. I could not be eloquent and could not sincerely communicate my doubt to the brothers and the grand master. Great Architect of nature, help me to find the true paths leading out of the labyrinth of falsehood."

After this, three leaves were left blank in the diary, and then the following was written:

"Had an instructive and long talk alone with Brother V., who advised me to hold to Brother A. Much was revealed to me, unworthy though I am. Adonai is the name of Him who created the world. Eloim is the name of Him who governs all. The third name, the unutterable name, has the meaning of All. Talks with Brother V. strengthen, refresh, and confirm me on the path of virtue. In his presence there is no room for doubt. The difference between the poor teaching of the social sciences and our holy, all-embracing teaching is clear to me. The human sciences divide everything in order to understand, kill everything in order to examine. In the holy science of the order all is one, all is known in its totality and life. The Trinity — the three origins of things — sulphur, mercury, and salt. Sulphur is of an oily and fiery property; in combination with salt, by its fieriness it arouses in it a craving, by means of which it attracts mercury, seizes it, holds it, and together produces separate bodies. Mercury is a liquid and volatile spiritual essence — Christ, the Holy Spirit, He."

"December 3.

"Woke late, read the Holy Scriptures, but was unfeeling. Afterward went out and walked about the hall. I wished to meditate, but instead my imagination presented a certain incident that occurred four years ago. Monsieur Dolokhov, meeting me in Moscow after my duel, told me that he hoped I now enjoyed full peace of mind, despite the absence of my spouse. At the time I answered nothing. Now I recalled all the details of that meeting and in my soul said to him the most spiteful words and cutting retorts. I came to myself and threw off this thought only when I saw myself inflamed with anger; but I did not repent of it enough. Afterward Boris Drubetskoy came and began to tell various adventures; but from the moment of his arrival I became displeased with his visit and said something disagreeable to him. He retorted. I flared up and said to him a great deal that was unpleasant and even rude. He fell silent, and I caught myself only when it was already too late. My God, I do not know at all how to deal with him. The cause of this is my self-love. I set myself above him and therefore become far worse than he, for he is indulgent toward my rudeness, while I, on the contrary, nourish contempt for him. My God, grant me in his presence to see more of my own vileness and to act so that it may be of use to him too. After dinner I fell asleep, and as I was falling asleep I heard distinctly a voice that said to me in my left ear: 'Thy day.'

"I dreamed that I was walking in the dark, and suddenly was surrounded by dogs, but walked on without fear; suddenly a small one seized me by the left thigh with its teeth and would not let go. I began to crush it with my hands. And no sooner had I torn it off than another, still larger, began to gnaw at me. I began to lift it, and the more I lifted it, the larger and heavier it grew. And suddenly Brother A. comes and, taking me by the arm, led me with him and brought me to a building, to enter which one had to walk along a narrow plank. I stepped onto it, and the plank bent and fell, and I began to climb a fence which I could barely reach with my hands. After great efforts I dragged my body over so that my legs hung on one side and my trunk on the other. I looked round and saw that Brother A. was standing on the fence and pointing me to a great avenue and garden, and in the garden a great and beautiful building. I awoke. Lord, Great Architect of nature! help me to tear from myself the dogs — my passions — and the last of them, which combines in itself the forces of all the former ones, and help me to enter that temple of virtue, the sight of which I attained in my dream."

"December 7.

"I dreamed that Osip Alekseevich was sitting in my house, and I was very glad and wished to entertain him. As if I were chattering incessantly with outsiders, and suddenly remembered that this could not please him, and wished to draw near him and embrace him. But as soon as I drew near, I see that his face is transformed, has become young, and he is quietly telling me something from the teaching of the order, so quietly that I cannot make it out. Then, as if we all went out of the room, and something strange happened there. We were sitting or lying on the floor. He was telling me something. And it was as if I wished to show him my sensibility and, without listening to his words, began to imagine the state of my inner man and the grace of God that had overshadowed me. And tears came to my eyes, and I was glad that he noticed this. But he looked at me with vexation and jumped up, breaking off his talk. I grew timid and asked whether what he had said referred to me; but he answered nothing, gave me a kindly look, and afterward we suddenly found ourselves in my bedroom, where there is a double bed. He lay down on the edge of it, and I, as it were, burned with desire to caress him and to lie down there too. And he, as it were, asks me: 'Tell me truly, what is your chief passion? Have you come to know it? I think you have already come to know it.' Confused by this question, I answered that sloth was my chief passion. He shook his head incredulously. And I, more confused still, answered that, though I live with my wife by his advice, I do not live as the husband of my wife. To this he objected that one ought not to deprive one's wife of one's caress, and gave me to understand that this was my duty. But I answered that I was ashamed of this, and suddenly everything vanished. And I awoke, and found in my mind the text of Holy Scripture: In Him was life, and the life was the light of men, and the light shineth in darkness, and the darkness comprehended it not. Osip Alekseevich's face had been youthful and radiant. On this day I received a letter from my benefactor in which he writes of the duties of wedlock."

"December 9.

"I had a dream from which I awoke with a trembling heart. I dreamed that I was in Moscow, in my house, in the great sitting room, and Osip Alekseevich comes out of the drawing room. As if I knew at once that the process of regeneration had already been accomplished in him, and I rushed to meet him. As if I kiss him, and his hands, and he says: 'Have you noticed that my face is different?' I looked at him, continuing to hold him in my arms, and as if I see that his face is young, but there is no hair on his head, and his features are quite different. And as if I say to him: 'I should have known you if I had met you by chance,' and meanwhile I think: 'Did I speak the truth?' And suddenly I see that he is lying like a dead corpse; then little by little he came to himself and went with me into the great study, holding a large book written in Alexandrian folio. And as if I say: 'I wrote this.' And he answered me with an inclination of the head. I opened the book, and in this book on all the pages there are beautiful drawings. And as if I know that these pictures represent the love adventures of the soul with its beloved. And on the pages as if I see a beautiful representation of a maiden in transparent garments and with a transparent body, soaring up to the clouds. And as if I know that this maiden is nothing other than the image of the Song of Songs. And as if, looking at these drawings, I feel that I am doing wrong, and cannot tear myself away from them. Lord, help me! My God, if this forsaking of me by Thee is Thy doing, then Thy will be done; but if I myself have caused it, then teach me what I am to do. I shall perish from my own depravity if Thou forsake me utterly."