Approach, Sir Andrew; not to be abed after midnight, is to be up betimes; and diluculo surgere, thou know’st.

Nay, by my troth, I know not; but I know to be up late is to be up late.

A false conclusion; I hate it as an unfilled can. To be up after midnight, and to go to bed then is early: so that to go to bed after midnight is to go to bed betimes. Does not our lives consist of the four elements?

Faith, so they say, but I think it rather consists of eating and drinking.

Here comes the fool, i’ faith.

How now, my hearts? Did you never see the picture of “we three”?

Welcome, ass. Now let’s have a catch.

By my troth, the fool has an excellent breast. I had rather than forty shillings I had such a leg, and so sweet a breath to sing, as the fool has. In sooth, thou wast in very gracious fooling last night when thou spok’st of Pigrogromitus, of the Vapians passing the equinoctial of Queubus; ’twas very good, i’ faith. I sent thee sixpence for thy leman. Hadst it?

I did impeticos thy gratillity; for Malvolio’s nose is no whipstock. My lady has a white hand, and the Myrmidons are no bottle-ale houses.

Excellent! Why, this is the best fooling, when all is done. Now, a song.

Come on, there is sixpence for you. Let’s have a song.

There’s a testril of me too: if one knight give a—

Would you have a love-song, or a song of good life?

A love-song, a love-song.

Ay, ay. I care not for good life.

Excellent good, i’ faith.

Good, good.

A mellifluous voice, as I am true knight.

A contagious breath.

Very sweet and contagious, i’ faith.

To hear by the nose, it is dulcet in contagion. But shall we make the welkin dance indeed? Shall we rouse the night-owl in a catch that will draw three souls out of one weaver? Shall we do that?

And you love me, let’s do’t: I am dog at a catch.

By’r lady, sir, and some dogs will catch well.

Most certain. Let our catch be, “Thou knave.”

“Hold thy peace, thou knave” knight? I shall be constrain’d in’t to call thee knave, knight.

’Tis not the first time I have constrained one to call me knave. Begin, fool; it begins “Hold thy peace.”

I shall never begin if I hold my peace.

Good, i’ faith! Come, begin.

What a caterwauling do you keep here! If my lady have not called up her steward Malvolio, and bid him turn you out of doors, never trust me.

My lady’s a Cataian, we are politicians, Malvolio’s a Peg-a-Ramsey, and [Sings.] Three merry men be we. Am not I consanguineous? Am I not of her blood? Tilly-vally! “Lady”! There dwelt a man in Babylon, Lady, Lady.

Beshrew me, the knight’s in admirable fooling.

Ay, he does well enough if he be disposed, and so do I too; he does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.

[Sings.] O’ the twelfth day of December—

For the love o’ God, peace!

My masters, are you mad? Or what are you? Have you no wit, manners, nor honesty, but to gabble like tinkers at this time of night? Do ye make an ale-house of my lady’s house, that ye squeak out your coziers’ catches without any mitigation or remorse of voice? Is there no respect of place, persons, nor time, in you?

We did keep time, sir, in our catches. Sneck up!

Sir Toby, I must be round with you. My lady bade me tell you that, though she harbours you as her kinsman she’s nothing allied to your disorders. If you can separate yourself and your misdemeanours, you are welcome to the house; if not, and it would please you to take leave of her, she is very willing to bid you farewell.

[Sings.] Farewell, dear heart, since I must needs be gone.

Nay, good Sir Toby.

[Sings.] His eyes do show his days are almost done.

Is’t even so?

[Sings.] But I will never die.

[Sings.] Sir Toby, there you lie.

This is much credit to you.

[Sings.] Shall I bid him go?

[Sings.] What and if you do?

[Sings.] Shall I bid him go, and spare not?

[Sings.] O, no, no, no, no, you dare not.

Out o’ tune? sir, ye lie. Art any more than a steward? Dost thou think, because thou art virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and ale?

Yes, by Saint Anne, and ginger shall be hot i’ the mouth too.

Th’art i’ the right. Go, sir, rub your chain with crumbs. A stoup of wine, Maria!

Mistress Mary, if you prized my lady’s favour at anything more than contempt, you would not give means for this uncivil rule; she shall know of it, by this hand.

Go shake your ears.

’Twere as good a deed as to drink when a man’s a-hungry, to challenge him the field, and then to break promise with him and make a fool of him.

Do’t, knight. I’ll write thee a challenge; or I’ll deliver thy indignation to him by word of mouth.

Sweet Sir Toby, be patient for tonight. Since the youth of the Count’s was today with my lady, she is much out of quiet. For Monsieur Malvolio, let me alone with him. If I do not gull him into a nayword, and make him a common recreation, do not think I have wit enough to lie straight in my bed. I know I can do it.

Possess us, possess us, tell us something of him.

Marry, sir, sometimes he is a kind of Puritan.

O, if I thought that, I’d beat him like a dog.

What, for being a Puritan? Thy exquisite reason, dear knight?

I have no exquisite reason for’t, but I have reason good enough.

The devil a Puritan that he is, or anything constantly but a time-pleaser, an affectioned ass that cons state without book and utters it by great swarths; the best persuaded of himself, so crammed (as he thinks) with excellencies, that it is his grounds of faith that all that look on him love him. And on that vice in him will my revenge find notable cause to work.

What wilt thou do?

I will drop in his way some obscure epistles of love, wherein by the colour of his beard, the shape of his leg, the manner of his gait, the expressure of his eye, forehead, and complexion, he shall find himself most feelingly personated. I can write very like my lady your niece; on a forgotten matter we can hardly make distinction of our hands.

Excellent! I smell a device.

I have’t in my nose too.

He shall think, by the letters that thou wilt drop, that they come from my niece, and that she is in love with him.

My purpose is indeed a horse of that colour.

And your horse now would make him an ass.

Ass, I doubt not.

O ’twill be admirable!

Sport royal, I warrant you. I know my physic will work with him. I will plant you two, and let the fool make a third, where he shall find the letter. Observe his construction of it. For this night, to bed, and dream on the event. Farewell.

Good night, Penthesilea.

Before me, she’s a good wench.

She’s a beagle true bred, and one that adores me. What o’ that?

I was adored once too.

Let’s to bed, knight. Thou hadst need send for more money.

If I cannot recover your niece, I am a foul way out.

Send for money, knight; if thou hast her not i’ th’ end, call me cut.

If I do not, never trust me, take it how you will.

Come, come, I’ll go burn some sack, ’tis too late to go to bed now. Come, knight, come, knight.